The Things I Think

For some reason I'm liking these year-long projects. I'm doing 365 Days of Joy on Instagram, now I wanna do this.

Each week of the year, I will answer these questions in a blog post. I'm not even sure if I'm gonna tell people (via Facebook) that I'm doing this. This is just for fun...and if I decide to quit, then it's no biggie.

Here are the questions:

1. What is your full name? Why did your parents give you that name?
2. When and where were you born? Describe your home, your neighborhood and the town you grew up in.
3. Tell me about your father (his name, birth date, birthplace, parents, etc.) Can you share some memories you have of your father?
4. Tell me about your mother (hers name, birth date, birthplace, parents, etc.) Can you share some memories you have of your mother?
5. What kind of work did your parents do (farm, salesman, manager, seamstress, nurse, stay at home mom, professional/laborer, etc.)
6. Have any of your family members died yet?  If so, what do remember of their death and what were the circumstances of their death?
7. What kind of hardships or tragedies did your family experience while you were growing up?
8. What are the names of your brothers and sisters? Describe one or more things that stand out in your mind about each of your siblings.
9. What were some of the family traditions that you remember?
10. Did your family have special ways of celebrating specific holidays?
11. Share a few memories of your grandparents.
12. Did your grandparents live close by? If so, how much were they involved in your life?  If they lived far away did you ever travel to visit them?  What was that like?
13. Do you have any aunts, uncles, or cousins who really stand out in your mind? Write something about them (names, personalities, events that you remember doing with them, etc.)
14. Where did you go to school? What was school like for you?
15. What were your favorite subjects in school? Why?
16. What subjects did you like the least?  Why?
17. If you went on to get a college or vocational education, what school did you go to? What did you study? What memories do you have of those years?
18. What do you see as your personal strengths?
19. What were some of the challenges you faced growing up?
20. What medical issues have you had to deal with throughout your life?
21. Was religion an important part of your family life? If so, what religion did your family practice and what did it mean to you? Is it still an important part of your life today? If religion was/is not a part of your life, why isn’t it?
22. Who were some of your friends in school? What were they like? What ever happened to them?
23. What foods do you like?  Dislike?
24. Where there two or three dishes your mother or father made that makes you smile every time you think of them?
25. How did you meet your spouse?
26. How would you describe your spouse?
27. What was your courtship like?
28. Share some stories about your spouse?
29. How many children do you have?  What are their names?  Share a few memories about each of your children.
30. What were some of the major community, national and world events you lived through?
31. How did some of these events change your life?
32. What are some of your life philosophies or life views that you would share with others.
33. What are some of the personal values that are very important to you? What have you done (are you doing now) to teach these values to your children?
34. Thinking of people throughout the world and throughout time. List at least 5 people who you would categorize as truly great men or woman. What did they do to be great in your mind?
35. List 20 or more things that make you happy.
36. List 20 things or more that you think the world would be so much better off without.
37. List 20 interesting things you’ve experienced in your lifetime.
38. If you could spend a day with any famous person in the world, who would it be and what would you do during your day with him/her?
39. What scares you?
40. Share a few of the deeply moving (spiritual) experiences you’ve had in your life?
41. What advice would you pass on about raising children that you learned from raising your own children?
42. What are some of your talents? How did you discover them? What have you done to cultivate and improve them?
43. What were some of the truly life changing experiences you went through. How did you handle them? In what ways did they change you?
44. What did you do for a career? Why did you choose to go into this career?
45. What were some of the jobs you had throughout your life? Were there memorable experiences you had with any of those jobs?
46. What would you consider as two or three truly significant challenges in your life so far?
47. What are some of the life lessons that you would like to pass on to your posterity?
48. How many places have you lived. Provide a brief description of each place you’ve lived and why you lived there.
49. If you could go back in time and do things over again, what would you change?
50. When all is said and done, what do you want to be remembered for? What are you doing now to make that happen?
51. What kind of health issues have you experienced?
52. What were some of your more memorable vacations?

I recently have made a pretty tough, but also easy?, decision. I recently (well, I guess it was about 2 weeks ago) learned that my old position at Sycamore was going to be available as an internal posting. The woman who was hired when I took my leave of absence last year got a teaching job.

I always thought if my old position was up for grabs again, I would immediately get to work on whatever I needed to do to try to get it back. Yet when that became reality, I hesitated. Not because I doubted whether or not my heart wanted to go back there, but because of the relationships and attachments that have been formed at Horizon. I have become attached to the kids I work with, which usually happens.

I sat on my couch and thought. And prayed. Called my mom. Talked to Sean. Talked to a few friends. Thought and prayed more.

Ultimately I decided to submit my resume and letter of interest. I turned it in the next day with anxiety but excitement at the possibility of being reunited with my Trenchies.

It's not gonna happen. Life isn't going to calm down for me. I've had to face that my life will be like this always. Pretty much. Until Sean and I are empty nesters. Right now I'm working, have a kid, and I'm in school. One day I will be doing those things except working as a teacher (more work to do outside of the normal work day than I have to do now as a para) and probably continuing on to graduate school...at some point. Oh, and throw a second kid into the mix hopefully some time in the late fall/early winter of 2014.

It's been hard adjusting to being back at work. And school. And photography. And Roan. And my husband. And church. I've been struggling with anxiety & (try to remember to) take St. John's Wort and valerian root to try to help with that. Problem is, with everything I have to do and remember in the morning, I often forget to take it. Then I wonder later when I feel like a mess emotionally.

I put a lot of pressure on myself. Probably more than I realize. I see how messy and disorganized my house is and I think "I'm a terrible wife and mom."

I should be able to do it all.

I should be able to keep it all together.

Why can't I keep it all together? What's wrong with me? Why can't my house be perfectly clean and ready for company at any given moment? Why can't we have a home-cooked dinner every night? Why can't I work out for an hour each day, have perfect make up, and wear nice clothes every day with my hair straightened or styled in some cute Pinterest-worthy way?

I wake up at 6:15am. I have to have down time in the morning. It really is vital for me. When life is less-crazy, I can wake up earlier to work out, but I need my time to sit and watch the news for a bit.

Then it's time to wake Roan up. Get him fed. Feed myself if I didn't before (but usually I have). Get myself ready if I haven't already. Pack my lunch. Make sure his bag for daycare has everything. Take the trash out if it's Monday, Wednesday, or Friday. Get him dressed (this is usually last minute, literally right before we walk out of the door at 7:45ish). Coats need to be put on - for him and myself - if it's cold outside. Oh, and we gotta grab owl-blanket. He won't nap without it.

Buckling him into the car seat is usually a whole ordeal...especially if he wasn't wearing his coat the last time he was in it...the straps need to be loosened and tightened. This is if I can get him to let go of owl-blanket for two stinkin' seconds to get his arm  through the straps. The car usually isn't warmed up because I hadn't had the time. Then we're off. I'm lucky if I haven't forgotten my lunch or phone.

I stay after work most days for at least an hour to get some homework done. That has been helping tremendously. I still have to do homework at night, naturally, since I usually have to read at least 2-3 chapters each week, post on the discussion boards 3 days a week (posts must be "substantive"), and usually have at least one 1,000-1,250 word essay due Sunday. Most weeks I have one other short assignment due.

I volunteer at church, not as much as I'd like to, though. And if I have a photoshoot (or two or three) on the weekend, it's even more crazy. Cause then I have to add processing the photos, uploading for clients, and making discs if they chose that, to the already insanely long to-do list during the week.

To be honest...something's gotta give. And it's probably gonna be photography. I'm not going to quit. I'm not gonna flip-flop like that..."I'm taking a break,"..."I'm back!"..."I'm quitting." I'm just going to do shoots when I feel I have the time. When I feel I can handle it. It might not be often, if ever. We'll see. But I need to sacrifice something and everything else in my life is not negotiable.

If anyone reads this, I just need prayer. I need a lot of prayer. I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself and I also need strength.

It was a hot, but beautiful day, even with a little rain mixed in (but that's good luck!). The ceremony was beautiful and I struggled to choke back tears during the first dance, father-daughter dance, and mother-son dance!

I gotta admit...after shooting this wedding, I am seriously contemplating coming back from my hiatus, but changing a bit of what I'm going to focus on. I know I want to at least try a birth session (like...in the delivery room), but I need to find willing subjects. If anyone knows someone who'd be interested, send them my way! Just Facebook me or email me at mwhitephoto@gmail.com.

April is c-section awareness month.

This is not a "feel bad for me, I had a c-section" post. It is not a "my story is a cautionary tale" post. The fact of the matter is if it weren't for c-sections and the technology available, I believe neither me or my son would be alive today.

I see how people get up-in-arms about c-section vs. natural birth. I'm not gonna do that. I just want to talk about my experience, where I'm at with it now, and how it will impact my future decisions (when we have another child - Lord willing).

If you want to read Roan's birth story, you can look here (<--link). If you don't want to read all the details and don't know the story, basically Roan was not going to make it out on his own due to a fibroid that was partially blocking the birth canal.

Yes, I was induced. My OB knew I didn't want to be induced and did all she could (giving me the lowest doses, starting out with everything but pitocin) to make Roan's birth as close to a natural birth as possible. My induction was not to blame for the c-section. Even after the pitocin, my contractions were very weak. My body was trying to say "Hey, this isn't gonna happen."

My c-section was listed as "failed induction". I know because I asked my OB. It made me wonder how many other c-sections were listed under that category when in reality it was more complicated than that.

There are statistics that show a link between inductions and c-sections. This appears to be proven true even just from the women I know who were induced. Most did result in a c-section, but certainly not all of them. I tend to think that what matters is a supportive OB.

The moment we decided to go with the c-section, I was calm about it. Me, my husband, my parents, and whoever else was in the room (I don't remember exactly) prayed before making the decision. I was calm once they started preparing me in the operating room. God just gave me a peace about it...peace that surpassed all understanding (even my own). Sean even asked me why or how I was so calm - I kept telling him it was going to be okay. At the risk of sounding like a crazy person, I felt God's presence in that room.

But after the birth, I mourned the loss of the vaginal birth I wanted. I cannot identify with other women who had vaginal births and experienced tearing, the moment the baby is born, or the pain of pushing. My only indication that Roan was out was hearing him cry. I couldn't see him until they brought him around the other side of the divider. I had stitches, too, but in a different place. I still feel like there are things I missed out on.

Ultimately, I have come to a place where I am grateful for my c-section. My c-section was not tragic. I love my scar! My scar means that Roan is here. He is healthy, super cute, and amazes me every day.

C-section awareness month to me is bringing awareness to the beauty of c-sections and their ability to save lives. Yes, complications can happen...it's a major surgery! Complications can also happen during vaginal births. Either way, having a baby poses risks (we can thank Eve for that one).

Will I try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean)? No. Due to my medical history, it is very dangerous for me to have anesthesia because there's a chance I am allergic to it (this can be deadly). The risk of the uterine scar rupturing is not worth it to me. I have heard stories of this happening and the mother and/or baby almost not making it. I have heard of successful VBACs as well and I have total respect for them.

My baby and I being alive matters more to me than my selfish desires for a vaginal birth. I do want to do things a little differently next time, however. I want the baby to be placed on my chest before being wiped off. I want delayed cored cutting. A lot of the check-ups they do on the baby can be done while mom is holding the baby. I would like the birth to be as close to a vaginal birth as possible.

Expecting women should know the ins-and-outs of c-sections. I didn't know anything because a c-section was my greatest fear and I didn't want to even consider the thought of me having one. I wish I would have been more prepared emotionally. This is the major thing I want to tell pregnant women. Go for a natural birth if that's what you truly want. Do all you can to make that happen, but don't be so determined that you put you or your baby at risk. Be educated about c-sections and have a plan in place if you do have one because you never know. I didn't know I had a fibroid blocking the birth canal. It gets so crowded in there towards the end that the ultrasound tech and my OB couldn't see it. And know that if you do have a c-section, you are no less of a mother than a woman who had a vaginal birth. You still gave birth and don't let anyone tell you you didn't.

I've been so...I don't even know the best word. Emotional? Sentimental?

Really, this isn't all that new. Especially after Roan totally flipped my world upside down when he was born. Things just...affect me more.

My aunt and uncle are currently on their way home from the Congo where they picked up their two new beautiful children. They have three biological children as well.

My aunt has been updating every day on their experience in the Congo. I literally have been checking every morning and throughout the day for updates. I won't divulge any details, but I will say that I am so proud and blessed to say "That's my uncle," and "That's my aunt." It is Christ in them and using them that makes me proud. So really, I'm proud of Jesus.

And then I got to thinking about my grandpa and how, yet again, I wish he were here with us. I'm glad and jealous that he's celebrating in heaven, but I selfishly want him here. I know he's smiling on his son and his wife...how proud he must be!

So many times when I'm playing with Roan, or even just looking at him...I can't help but imagine what it would be like to see him playing with grandpa Larry...my "crampa". And how much I want to hear grandpa talk about his excitement to meet his new grandchildren from across the ocean. I just can't help it.

My grandpa lived his life for Christ. He loved people where they were at, truly the way Christ tells us to. It's a trait that I've seen passed on in the Detmers family. Not that we're all perfect or that my grandpa was perfect. But I am so, so grateful for the way he and my grandma raised their children...the legacy he left behind. I am so grateful that I grew up in such a loving family (immediate and extended). The holidays are my favorite time largely because of them. It's not just a quick get-together and go home. There's food, prayer, laughter, and genuine togetherness that lasts over the span of several days; though not all of the family is always present. It was really a lot of what kept me going when I struggled with depression; I almost thrived on the holidays & big Detmers get-togethers for a while. And Christ always used those times to remind me that He loved me and one day I would overcome that battle...and I did. The family keeps growing as there are more weddings and more children born (and now, adopted). I hope this continues; I want this for my son.

I kind of hate that I don't think about my grandpa as much as I used to and I don't even really cry about it all that much (or my uncle that also passed; though I do think it's healthy that I'm not still sobbing every day about it). But it is easier, if that's the right word, for me to get emotional about it. I think having a kid did that to me. I see now more than ever how important family is...and how not having some them here to meet Roan and other new members of the family just stinks. Yes, I'm being selfish here. But again, I can't help it.

I still remember grandpa's voice. I remember his hugs (they were truly unforgettable). I remember my uncle Rusty's hugs (equally unforgettable). I remember uncle Rusty singing to my brothers and I and playing his guitar. I have forgotten some things, but not all, thank goodness.

My heart is heavy with missing them, but my heart is also full with the multitude of things God has blessed me with; and I am so undeserving! This Thanksgiving and Christmas is going to rock and I can't wait to take lots and lots of pictures of Roan playing with my new cousins!

What a weird morning. And I've only been awake for an hour.

Today is the first day of school for Sycamore. The first first day of school in 5 years that I am not there for. Well, ok, second first day because of my maternity leave last year.

I can just picture it. Nervous kids (some), anxious, eager teachers & staff wearing matching Sycamore tshirts. Learning (or remembering) new routines and expectations. And I'm not there. I keep thinking those words..."I'm not there." I can't describe how sad that makes me feel.

I watch my son playing with his toys. He walks over and says "Up!" and my heart melts. I'm getting to spend precious time with him (when I'm not in class). How can I be sad about that?

I'm fulfilling my calling. How can I be sad about that, too?

It's bittersweet, to be sure.