The Things I Think

I've been so...I don't even know the best word. Emotional? Sentimental?

Really, this isn't all that new. Especially after Roan totally flipped my world upside down when he was born. Things just...affect me more.

My aunt and uncle are currently on their way home from the Congo where they picked up their two new beautiful children. They have three biological children as well.

My aunt has been updating every day on their experience in the Congo. I literally have been checking every morning and throughout the day for updates. I won't divulge any details, but I will say that I am so proud and blessed to say "That's my uncle," and "That's my aunt." It is Christ in them and using them that makes me proud. So really, I'm proud of Jesus.

And then I got to thinking about my grandpa and how, yet again, I wish he were here with us. I'm glad and jealous that he's celebrating in heaven, but I selfishly want him here. I know he's smiling on his son and his wife...how proud he must be!

So many times when I'm playing with Roan, or even just looking at him...I can't help but imagine what it would be like to see him playing with grandpa Larry...my "crampa". And how much I want to hear grandpa talk about his excitement to meet his new grandchildren from across the ocean. I just can't help it.

My grandpa lived his life for Christ. He loved people where they were at, truly the way Christ tells us to. It's a trait that I've seen passed on in the Detmers family. Not that we're all perfect or that my grandpa was perfect. But I am so, so grateful for the way he and my grandma raised their children...the legacy he left behind. I am so grateful that I grew up in such a loving family (immediate and extended). The holidays are my favorite time largely because of them. It's not just a quick get-together and go home. There's food, prayer, laughter, and genuine togetherness that lasts over the span of several days; though not all of the family is always present. It was really a lot of what kept me going when I struggled with depression; I almost thrived on the holidays & big Detmers get-togethers for a while. And Christ always used those times to remind me that He loved me and one day I would overcome that battle...and I did. The family keeps growing as there are more weddings and more children born (and now, adopted). I hope this continues; I want this for my son.

I kind of hate that I don't think about my grandpa as much as I used to and I don't even really cry about it all that much (or my uncle that also passed; though I do think it's healthy that I'm not still sobbing every day about it). But it is easier, if that's the right word, for me to get emotional about it. I think having a kid did that to me. I see now more than ever how important family is...and how not having some them here to meet Roan and other new members of the family just stinks. Yes, I'm being selfish here. But again, I can't help it.

I still remember grandpa's voice. I remember his hugs (they were truly unforgettable). I remember my uncle Rusty's hugs (equally unforgettable). I remember uncle Rusty singing to my brothers and I and playing his guitar. I have forgotten some things, but not all, thank goodness.

My heart is heavy with missing them, but my heart is also full with the multitude of things God has blessed me with; and I am so undeserving! This Thanksgiving and Christmas is going to rock and I can't wait to take lots and lots of pictures of Roan playing with my new cousins!