The Things I Think

It's not gonna happen. Life isn't going to calm down for me. I've had to face that my life will be like this always. Pretty much. Until Sean and I are empty nesters. Right now I'm working, have a kid, and I'm in school. One day I will be doing those things except working as a teacher (more work to do outside of the normal work day than I have to do now as a para) and probably continuing on to graduate school...at some point. Oh, and throw a second kid into the mix hopefully some time in the late fall/early winter of 2014.

It's been hard adjusting to being back at work. And school. And photography. And Roan. And my husband. And church. I've been struggling with anxiety & (try to remember to) take St. John's Wort and valerian root to try to help with that. Problem is, with everything I have to do and remember in the morning, I often forget to take it. Then I wonder later when I feel like a mess emotionally.

I put a lot of pressure on myself. Probably more than I realize. I see how messy and disorganized my house is and I think "I'm a terrible wife and mom."

I should be able to do it all.

I should be able to keep it all together.

Why can't I keep it all together? What's wrong with me? Why can't my house be perfectly clean and ready for company at any given moment? Why can't we have a home-cooked dinner every night? Why can't I work out for an hour each day, have perfect make up, and wear nice clothes every day with my hair straightened or styled in some cute Pinterest-worthy way?

I wake up at 6:15am. I have to have down time in the morning. It really is vital for me. When life is less-crazy, I can wake up earlier to work out, but I need my time to sit and watch the news for a bit.

Then it's time to wake Roan up. Get him fed. Feed myself if I didn't before (but usually I have). Get myself ready if I haven't already. Pack my lunch. Make sure his bag for daycare has everything. Take the trash out if it's Monday, Wednesday, or Friday. Get him dressed (this is usually last minute, literally right before we walk out of the door at 7:45ish). Coats need to be put on - for him and myself - if it's cold outside. Oh, and we gotta grab owl-blanket. He won't nap without it.

Buckling him into the car seat is usually a whole ordeal...especially if he wasn't wearing his coat the last time he was in it...the straps need to be loosened and tightened. This is if I can get him to let go of owl-blanket for two stinkin' seconds to get his arm  through the straps. The car usually isn't warmed up because I hadn't had the time. Then we're off. I'm lucky if I haven't forgotten my lunch or phone.

I stay after work most days for at least an hour to get some homework done. That has been helping tremendously. I still have to do homework at night, naturally, since I usually have to read at least 2-3 chapters each week, post on the discussion boards 3 days a week (posts must be "substantive"), and usually have at least one 1,000-1,250 word essay due Sunday. Most weeks I have one other short assignment due.

I volunteer at church, not as much as I'd like to, though. And if I have a photoshoot (or two or three) on the weekend, it's even more crazy. Cause then I have to add processing the photos, uploading for clients, and making discs if they chose that, to the already insanely long to-do list during the week.

To be honest...something's gotta give. And it's probably gonna be photography. I'm not going to quit. I'm not gonna flip-flop like that..."I'm taking a break,"..."I'm back!"..."I'm quitting." I'm just going to do shoots when I feel I have the time. When I feel I can handle it. It might not be often, if ever. We'll see. But I need to sacrifice something and everything else in my life is not negotiable.

If anyone reads this, I just need prayer. I need a lot of prayer. I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself and I also need strength.