The Things I Think

April is c-section awareness month.

This is not a "feel bad for me, I had a c-section" post. It is not a "my story is a cautionary tale" post. The fact of the matter is if it weren't for c-sections and the technology available, I believe neither me or my son would be alive today.

I see how people get up-in-arms about c-section vs. natural birth. I'm not gonna do that. I just want to talk about my experience, where I'm at with it now, and how it will impact my future decisions (when we have another child - Lord willing).

If you want to read Roan's birth story, you can look here (<--link). If you don't want to read all the details and don't know the story, basically Roan was not going to make it out on his own due to a fibroid that was partially blocking the birth canal.

Yes, I was induced. My OB knew I didn't want to be induced and did all she could (giving me the lowest doses, starting out with everything but pitocin) to make Roan's birth as close to a natural birth as possible. My induction was not to blame for the c-section. Even after the pitocin, my contractions were very weak. My body was trying to say "Hey, this isn't gonna happen."

My c-section was listed as "failed induction". I know because I asked my OB. It made me wonder how many other c-sections were listed under that category when in reality it was more complicated than that.

There are statistics that show a link between inductions and c-sections. This appears to be proven true even just from the women I know who were induced. Most did result in a c-section, but certainly not all of them. I tend to think that what matters is a supportive OB.

The moment we decided to go with the c-section, I was calm about it. Me, my husband, my parents, and whoever else was in the room (I don't remember exactly) prayed before making the decision. I was calm once they started preparing me in the operating room. God just gave me a peace about it...peace that surpassed all understanding (even my own). Sean even asked me why or how I was so calm - I kept telling him it was going to be okay. At the risk of sounding like a crazy person, I felt God's presence in that room.

But after the birth, I mourned the loss of the vaginal birth I wanted. I cannot identify with other women who had vaginal births and experienced tearing, the moment the baby is born, or the pain of pushing. My only indication that Roan was out was hearing him cry. I couldn't see him until they brought him around the other side of the divider. I had stitches, too, but in a different place. I still feel like there are things I missed out on.

Ultimately, I have come to a place where I am grateful for my c-section. My c-section was not tragic. I love my scar! My scar means that Roan is here. He is healthy, super cute, and amazes me every day.

C-section awareness month to me is bringing awareness to the beauty of c-sections and their ability to save lives. Yes, complications can happen...it's a major surgery! Complications can also happen during vaginal births. Either way, having a baby poses risks (we can thank Eve for that one).

Will I try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean)? No. Due to my medical history, it is very dangerous for me to have anesthesia because there's a chance I am allergic to it (this can be deadly). The risk of the uterine scar rupturing is not worth it to me. I have heard stories of this happening and the mother and/or baby almost not making it. I have heard of successful VBACs as well and I have total respect for them.

My baby and I being alive matters more to me than my selfish desires for a vaginal birth. I do want to do things a little differently next time, however. I want the baby to be placed on my chest before being wiped off. I want delayed cored cutting. A lot of the check-ups they do on the baby can be done while mom is holding the baby. I would like the birth to be as close to a vaginal birth as possible.

Expecting women should know the ins-and-outs of c-sections. I didn't know anything because a c-section was my greatest fear and I didn't want to even consider the thought of me having one. I wish I would have been more prepared emotionally. This is the major thing I want to tell pregnant women. Go for a natural birth if that's what you truly want. Do all you can to make that happen, but don't be so determined that you put you or your baby at risk. Be educated about c-sections and have a plan in place if you do have one because you never know. I didn't know I had a fibroid blocking the birth canal. It gets so crowded in there towards the end that the ultrasound tech and my OB couldn't see it. And know that if you do have a c-section, you are no less of a mother than a woman who had a vaginal birth. You still gave birth and don't let anyone tell you you didn't.